Speculations on Faith: A Sev Story
by alllofthewords
Summary: Sev's monologue to Lily, narrating the events of their lives, together and apart, and the effect she had on him throughout his His thoughts and feelings and beliefs and desires, and his not-entirely-normal relationship with Who, by the way, never shows up in these My interpretation of the whole Severus/Lily/God/being a good person Enjoy!


**Disclaimer: **You'll notice that I don't use names in here, so I might own this, but I don't care. Can you imagine some poor sucker buying this? Ha. Don't make me laugh.

**A/N: **No names, but this is Sev's POV, mostly directed at Lily. No, the "third member" is not James, it's God. I noticed that there's no religion _anywhere _in the books, and most fic writers avoid that as well. So I thought I'd give it a go.

* * *

Your faith left its marks on me  
Teeth in my soul  
Nails in my spirit  
The agony of ecstasy pulling on us in a torturous bliss that both of us wanted and neither of us condoned  
The third member  
Do we need him?  
Can we live without it  
Cant we be good enough  
Aren't I good enough?  
Why do you need  
Something  
To  
Hold  
On  
To  
When theres nothing.  
Ever.  
To stop you from being just as good  
As the rest of us  
And just as faithless  
As the rest of us  
Godless creatures  
More flesh and blood than mind and spirit in this place that you think soul meets body  
Godless creatures.  
Not one of you  
Not one of your kind  
Struggling along as best we can without  
_God._  
And failing  
And succeeding  
And compromising  
Just as much as you  
Are you still better than us?  
Does that make you better than us?  
Can you hold God to account  
Can you make him stand trial  
Can you make him hear your prayers?  
Or are you just whispering into thin air  
Just like the rest of us  
When we realize that we don't believe  
When we realize we don't have faith  
But are hoping  
Wishing  
Wanting  
_Praying_  
That theres something more that cares about us because  
We don't want to die  
You.  
You don't want to die  
You have a heaven  
Yet you're not ready to go  
You have something more  
Shouldn't that make you more willing to sacrifice  
More willing to compromise  
More tending to selflessness  
More tending to helping others  
No.  
It does not.  
You  
Your people  
All of you  
Are just the same as us.  
Just as ready to live  
Just as ready to Please, Please God-  
What?  
Please  
Not  
Die.  
You don't know who you're asking any more than we do  
But you hope  
And pray  
And believe  
Thats why you were drawn to me  
Thats why you thought you were in love  
Thats why you tried so hard to make me love you  
Because  
I was one of those godless creatures  
I had no faith  
I had no faith in faith  
I had no faith in the faithful  
And yet  
I tried to be good  
I tried to live a life worth living  
I tried to live a life that was good enough for me  
And good enough for you  
And good enough for everyone else  
But not God.  
But I lived  
And I loved  
In the world  
And of the world  
And you saw  
That I didnt hold with God and that I was still good enough.  
That I loved you without caring about God, but caring about you  
That I didn't believe in heaven but still didn't care if I died  
As long as I died for someone I loved  
Like  
You.  
Thats why I noticed you  
Thats why I knew we werent in love  
Thats why I tried so hard to tell you  
That I  
Didn't  
Feel it too  
Because  
After all  
I did.  
You managed to convince me that God was real  
And I became one of Gods creatures.  
And you learned to live without God  
And still be a good person  
And live and love out of sight of the Lord.  
And we lived  
And we loved  
And we lived together  
And we loved each other  
And as I look at you now  
Lying there in that bed  
Six feet under and that much farther away from the heaven I don't believe in  
I wonder who got the better end of the deal.  
Because we loved each other  
I believed in God  
You believed in me  
And now I believe  
As I tried to tell you all along  
God  
Does  
Not  
Care.

* * *

**A/N:** Yeahhh, I wrote this when I was in a really dark place. Only fit it to the HP universe later, though I think it's a really good portrayal of Sev's emotions through his life with Lily and after she died. Anyway, reviews please! I'd like to put out even better stuff in the future. Make both of us happy. ;)


End file.
